moneylogues | ic contact; victory

Hey lickbag!

So I'm taking Manaka to those tropic islands, gonna grab some of those fancy Pokemon ya can't get anywhere else and spend a lot of time getting drunk on a beach. Want in on this?

[Island vacation with people he actually tolerates? Huh. Well. Not like he's doing much in Goldenrod he'll miss.]

Would anyone with any sense hear "getting drunk on a beach" and not be all for it? I think we both know the answer to that.

So hell yeah, count me in.

Obviously you're gonna say 'yes', why the hell wouldn't you? The coolest guy in the universe just invited you on a kick ass vacation! But I still gotta ask so you can say yes.

Figure we can nab some 'mons for business and for ourselves.

Do you have a mug with that on it or something? It seems like you would.

[Sure, they probably don't make coolest guy in the universe mugs, but he seems like the type to just get it made.]

Sounds good. I need to expand my team anyway. Can't have too many badass monsters following my every order, right?

Giant gold pimp cup. Had it made.

I gotta do more research on all the badass types. Or get someone to research'em for me... Getting together a pretty good team, though. I just inherited a couple killer guys. A uh...level sixty something Haxorus, they're pretty cool. And get this - Nidoking, leveled in the friggin 80s. Sucks the dude that had'em left, he was my merc, but he knew who'd appreciate'em most.

Me, obviously.

Hey, uh, that's your line of work, isn't it?

[Felix snorts at that. Somehow even more ridiculous than he expected.] Okay, that's pretty cool. [Yeah, you only think that because you got no taste, Felix.]

Holy shit... Now that's a sweet inheritance you got there. All trained up and everything, saves all that work. Lucky bastard.

[He's only a little jealous.]

So it is. And not to brag, but I happen to be one of the best in the business. [A beat.] Haha, okay, nah, I'm totally bragging, I'm fucking awesome at my job.

Everything I own is cool!

Right? Dude was a hell of a trainer. Kinda sucks I didn't get his killer bone dog, but...eh, probably woulda given D.B a complex, that fat thing's an embarrassment next to a real Houndour.

Good for you. False modesty's bullshit. Got any specialties?

Man, I thought all these things just loved to fight and be active. It's weird that some of them aren't trained murder machines. [There's a zap all of a sudden, coming from Felix's gear. He groans for a moment.] Yeah, okay, guess I know one that's not anyway, but I try to ignore him.

Fucking Clippy...

[He hates his Rotom so much.]

Eh, I'm good at a lot of things. Done a lot of different types of jobs. I'm good at fighting close quarters, though. Or with knives. Not that I've seen a decent goddamn knife since I got here, it's such bullshit. Oh. And I'm a people person.

[Which probably doesn't sound impressive, but he still sounds just as full of himself, so clearly Felix thinks it's a big deal.]

Wow, you really need to spend more time around my puppy. Only thing he'll fight with is a friggin rum ham.

[Jack snorts when the other guy's 'gear shocks him or whatever it does.]

Yeah, yeah, if you wanna hurt anybody, you gotta get creative. I like to try and think of it as a challenge. Other than when I really wanna stab somebody.... but I'm more of a garrote kinda guy anyway.

So he's just... a regular dog, basically.

[Impressive.]

Yeah, the no stabbing thing? That's gonna get old. Like, really goddamn old? You ever throw a knife straight into a guy's throat? Now that'll make you feel like a badass.

But strangling, huh? Not something I usually do a lot, not much time for that in the middle of combat. Well. Usually.

A regular dog would arguably be more useful.

So find something else sharp and pointy. Take a dude out with a well thrown pair of manicure scissors or a nail file, that'd be impressive.

[But this is very, very useful information. Jack knew he liked this guy for a reason.]

Yeah, secret to my long life. Stay out of the middle of combat. Or if you've just gotta, make sure you've got a nice thick layer of meat shields around ya. Bonus: all their stuff is yours if they bite it!

Worse than a regular dog. Wow. That's almost impressive.

Yeah, that'll do in a pinch. Nothing beats a real, proper combat knife, though. I got a buncha custom made ones back home? Those gotta be in my top five of things I miss from back home.

[Yes, he has an actual top five.]

Hey, the middle of combat works just fine if you're enough of a badass. 'Course, I'm usually in armor. And I do use a shield, just, y'know, an actual shield.

I hear you on the looting, though. Not like those morons are using their stuff anymore. Nice to see someone agrees with me. Every time I stop and take shit, people just yell at me.

Doom Boner's something special.

Just...not in the good way. It's my own damn fault, there was some kid with a box of badass looking puppies, he was the biggest one, had flames painted on him...I grabbed him while the kid was busy.

I don't steal Pokemon from little kids anymore.

Nice. Good for a guy to have hobbies, collect something. I go for guns, but my company's the company for guns. And yeah, yeah, sure, but how many badasses go down in that kinda fighting? I'm normally armed to the teeth and I've got an energy shield that literally makes me invisible, but I'm not an idiot. The middle of shit's where things go real bad, real quick. Trust me.

Ideals, again. I mean, come on, looting an already dead body's better than just killing somebody for their stuff...

They both work, though.

Y'know, I knew you and me were gonna get along.

Whoa, whoa, seriously? So you're telling me you got this dog by stealing one from a child?

...Because that's hilarious, oh my god. Karma was not kind to you!

[Yeah, obviously he doesn't give a fuck about the kid. This is gold.]

Oh, yeah, guns are good too. Obvious, obviously, anyone with brains uses guns. And hey, don't get me wrong, obviously being all suicidal about getting right into the middle is a bad call. But it is where all the action happens. And usually, if everything's going bad? I'm the one who made it go bad in the first place.

[Nothing like creating a little chaos. Gets the blood pumping. It's reckless, maybe, but that's half the fun.]

Yeah, that's what I usually say. And then it's all "Felix, stop wasting time!" or "Felix, this is against protocol" or "holy shit, get away from my friend's corpse, you bastard" or something. People get so up in arms.

Heh, told you, didn't I? I'm a people person. And it's so nice talking to someone who actually appreciates the fun parts of life. You know. Ending someone else's.

Yeah, first one I nabbed. Pretty sure the kid was selling'em, I just...skipped a couple steps. Efficiency!

Guns are the friggin best. I even liked designing'em when I was little. And there is nothing sexier than a badass babe with a gun. You oughtta see how my wife handles a pistol! I've seen her shoot a dude's tongue out of his mouth.

[Now this? This is a proper conversation. It's just so nice to be able to chat with a like-minded, sane person.]

I like making it all go bad from a safe distance. And nobody says anything to me. I mean, anymore. 'Cause everybody that did....well, they got their corpses looted next.

Tell me about it, buddy! I feel like a friggin minority over here. Oh no, killing people's bad! Violence is awful! Let's solve our problems with hugs...

Did we wake up in a god damned Saturday morning cartoon?

Oh, see? The dog's got a home, you got a free dog, kid learns a good lesson about not getting robbed like a moron. Everyone wins.

Shit, seriously? Okay, that is cool as hell. I'm slightly jealous there. Only badass chicks with guns I've met lately are all wearing power armor. And... usually try to shoot me.

[Man, you encourage a civil war and try to wipe out the whole population one time and suddenly people want you dead.]

Safe distance, turning invisible... What, are you a sniper or something?

[Because that's sounding like a sniper's skillset to him.]

Right? I mean, jesus, people die, sometimes other people make that happen, and sometimes someone gets a real nice paycheck out of it. Get over it, kids, that's life. Some of these people could really use a wake-up call.

Exactly! That kid learned a valuable life lesson. And that dog's lucky I got him. I mean, I put up with him. Not too many people'd do that with a useless Pokemon.

Seriously. Nisha's amazing! And she, uh, she does not wear armor. Used to run around in these tight jeans and this crop top...and her guns. The things that woman can do with a gun...

I miss her.

[He's pretty sure he'll see her again, at least once before the year's out, but it doesn't help with now.]

More like the guy with the giant space station and robot army and galaxy loads of cash who'd really like to just take a giant laser to the planet. Almost did, too, till some asshats broke my awesome giant laser.

Oh, I agree. I agree, cupcake! But....here's the thing. People like that? They're all trusting and easy to screw over! We play our cards right...

You may see a boring world with no weapons, but I see a big fat prize just sitting in an open box with a bunch of smiling morons standing around it.

...Okay, that's really hot. I need to move to wherever the hell in the universe you're at, get away from all the military shit. But yeah, I see why you'd miss her.

[Okay, he wouldn't really move that far just for hotter girls. Maybe. Probably.]

Well, it's way better than sniper, I'll give you that. Sucks about the laser. Where'd you even get a laser big enough for something like that anyway? Because I'm guessing they don't just hand those out to everyone.

Oh, I'm all about screwing over naive idiots, don't get me wrong. They're just so dull. [But nevermind that. Consider him intrigued right now.] ...Now that sounds like you've got a plan.

We do have the hottest chicks. And having banged most of'em, I gotta say...worth it. No real military, either, aside from armies made up of mercs and guns for hire. And robots.

Built it myself. Had an eye from this giant badass alien monster, used it as a focal lens. Coulda taken out whole cities, one zap.

I always have a plan. What, you think I'm just gonna twiddle my thumbs and steal Pokemon and make friggin greeting cards for the rest of my life? Ahahaha....no, pumpkin, I'm gonna take over this whole badly scored planet.

Now that's the dream right there. See, I was hoping to be done with military bullshit when I left the army, but I swear, that shit just follows you.

...Shit, now that sounds sweet. More elegant than just throwing nukes at people. Losing tech like that's gotta be the worst. Heh, can't say I've heard of using parts from an actual alien like that, though.

[It's pretty clever, he's gotta give it to him. Sucks he lost that thing.]

Well. Now you really have my attention. I can get behind high ambitions like that, assuming you can actually pull that off.

Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky. My wife might pop back up! And we're uh...we're open minded and fun loving folks! You know. If ya get my drift.

The drift is sex.

Yeah, broke my heart. And come on, I just told you about my super powered alien eye laser, you think I can't take this place? I'm Handsome Goddamned Jack! I can pull off anything. I basically ran the galaxy, back home. And it's not like it was handed to me, I fought my way up from less than nothing.

[Well shit, if that doesn't get a raised eyebrow in response.]

That is a very intriguing drift.

[Translation being that um yeah he'd be totally down if that's serious and not actually a joke.]

Hey, to be fair? You don't exactly have said laser here and you didn't exactly get to keep it anyway, so maybe don't toss that one out there to convince anyone. But I'll give you the rest. And it's not like anyone else here is going to be making any moves.

And it does seem like this will be a very... lucrative endeavor.

[Talk money to him, Jack, and then you'll really sell him.]

Hey, that's how we roll! And yeah, yeah, you're basically our type. I mean, I dunno what your tastes are, but... yeah, that doesn't really matter, 'cause me and Nisha are that friggin hot.

Only 'cause I trusted my stupid, cheating ex. Hindsight, yes, I realize that wasn't the best move, but my options were really limited at the time. I wasn't exactly president at the time, there was stuff going on, aliens, crazy assholes taking over my space station, it was a whole big thing.

You have noticed I'm already at the top bracket of what counts as middle class around here, right? I've got a pool. I bought two magic ponies on a whim.

And I'm not even been trying yet.

Hey, no disagreement from me there. And my tastes are pretty open, anyway. Hot people do it for me, simple as that.

[Okay, maybe he has a few more specific preferences than that, but nothing that's relevant to this conversation.]

Well, fuck, that's a hell of a problem to have with an ex, isn't it? Usually people just gotta worry about one stealing cash or keying their car, yours gets your giant space laser destroyed. Sounds like a real mess!

Right, right, I getcha. And it's convincing. I mean, hell, consider me fully onboard.

[Not that it was gonna take a lot to get him onboard, because fuck, not like there's an awful lot of options here. Team Rocket is just sad and what else is he gonna do? Get a normal job? Ha ha, no, fuck that.]

ic contact; victory_road

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